I was searching on my FM dial when I found a Christian radio station broadcasting a Sunday service from a local fundamentalist church. Luckily, their website afforded an opportunity to re-visit the service and I have copied the salient parts of the service. Here are three biblical readings that were offered on that Sunday:
And now, sister Jeanette has our first reading.
It is from Luke 18:10 "Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican."
Thank you sister Jeanette. Aren't we glad that God has blessed us all when he chose us to be his most righteous believers? Let the congregation say, Amen!
The next reading is by sister Barbara.
"May I just say," Barbara began, "that this is my favorite verse in the Bible and I think it clearly shows why I choose to be a card-carrying member of the Republican Party.
Thank you sister Jeanette. Aren't we glad that God has blessed us all when he chose us to be his most righteous believers? Let the congregation say, Amen!
The next reading is by sister Barbara.
"May I just say," Barbara began, "that this is my favorite verse in the Bible and I think it clearly shows why I choose to be a card-carrying member of the Republican Party.
A reading from Leviticus 18
The LORD said to Moses, "Speak to the Israelites and say to them: 'I am the LORD your God. You must not do as they do in Egypt, where you used to live, and you must not do as they do in the land of Canaan, where I am bringing you. Do not follow their practices. You must obey my laws and be careful to follow my decrees. I am the LORD your God. Keep my decrees and laws, for the man who obeys them will live by them. I am the LORD.
" 'No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am the LORD.
" 'Do not dishonor your father by having sexual relations with your mother. She is your mother; do not have relations with her.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your father's wife; that would dishonor your father.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your sister, either your father's daughter or your mother's daughter, whether she was born in the same home or elsewhere.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your son's daughter or your daughter's daughter; that would dishonor you.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with the daughter of your father's wife, born to your father; she is your sister.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your father's sister; she is your father's close relative.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your mother's sister, because she is your mother's close relative.
" 'Do not dishonor your father's brother by approaching his wife to have sexual relations; she is your aunt.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your daughter-in-law. She is your son's wife; do not have relations with her.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your brother's wife; that would dishonor your brother.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with both a woman and her daughter. Do not have sexual relations with either her son's daughter or her daughter's daughter; they are her close relatives. That is wickedness.
" 'Do not take your wife's sister as a rival wife and have sexual relations with her while your wife is living.
" 'Do not approach a woman to have sexual relations during the uncleanness of her monthly period.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your neighbor's wife and defile yourself with her.
" 'Do not give any of your children to be sacrificed [a] to Molech, for you must not profane the name of your God. I am the LORD.
" 'Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion.
" 'Do not defile yourselves in any of these ways, because this is how the nations that I am going to drive out before you became defiled. Even the land was defiled; so I punished it for its sin, and the land vomited out its inhabitants. But you must keep my decrees and my laws. The native-born and the aliens living among you must not do any of these detestable things, 27 for all these things were done by the people who lived in the land before you, and the land became defiled. And if you defile the land, it will vomit you out as it vomited out the nations that were before you.
" 'Everyone who does any of these detestable things—such persons must be cut off from their people. Keep my requirements and do not follow any of the detestable customs that were practiced before you came and do not defile yourselves with them. I am the LORD your God.'"
" 'No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am the LORD.
" 'Do not dishonor your father by having sexual relations with your mother. She is your mother; do not have relations with her.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your father's wife; that would dishonor your father.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your sister, either your father's daughter or your mother's daughter, whether she was born in the same home or elsewhere.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your son's daughter or your daughter's daughter; that would dishonor you.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with the daughter of your father's wife, born to your father; she is your sister.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your father's sister; she is your father's close relative.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your mother's sister, because she is your mother's close relative.
" 'Do not dishonor your father's brother by approaching his wife to have sexual relations; she is your aunt.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your daughter-in-law. She is your son's wife; do not have relations with her.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your brother's wife; that would dishonor your brother.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with both a woman and her daughter. Do not have sexual relations with either her son's daughter or her daughter's daughter; they are her close relatives. That is wickedness.
" 'Do not take your wife's sister as a rival wife and have sexual relations with her while your wife is living.
" 'Do not approach a woman to have sexual relations during the uncleanness of her monthly period.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with your neighbor's wife and defile yourself with her.
" 'Do not give any of your children to be sacrificed [a] to Molech, for you must not profane the name of your God. I am the LORD.
" 'Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.
" 'Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion.
" 'Do not defile yourselves in any of these ways, because this is how the nations that I am going to drive out before you became defiled. Even the land was defiled; so I punished it for its sin, and the land vomited out its inhabitants. But you must keep my decrees and my laws. The native-born and the aliens living among you must not do any of these detestable things, 27 for all these things were done by the people who lived in the land before you, and the land became defiled. And if you defile the land, it will vomit you out as it vomited out the nations that were before you.
" 'Everyone who does any of these detestable things—such persons must be cut off from their people. Keep my requirements and do not follow any of the detestable customs that were practiced before you came and do not defile yourselves with them. I am the LORD your God.'"
Let the congregation say, Amen!
Our third and final reading this morning will be proclaimed by sister Kateb
"Although this reading is short," she began, "I really, really like it because I like to fish and I like money, too!"
Matthew 17 verse 27: "Notwithstanding, lest we should offend them, go you to the sea, and cast an hook, and take up the fish that first comes up; and when you have opened his mouth, you shall find a piece of money: that take, and give to them for me and you."
"Ahoy!" Kateb quipped as she joined Barbara and Jeanette in their pews.
"And now," the minister said as he arose, "let us close today's service as we join the choir in singing that Christian favorite, "They will Know we are Christians by our Love!"
