Tuesday, November 20, 2007

God Revving Up for '08 Race

Every 4 years God has to put creation on hold to participate in the American election scene. This year it's even a longer stint here on planet earth with these early entries and early primaries.

Luckily for us, that omnipotent trait serves us well down here as God will be able to continue spinning the universe and helping us elect the correct candidate to run our nation. George Bush was God's last selection as told to us through the voice of Mr. Bush himself.

I'm wondering, though, if that was just one more of those God jokes. Like the platypus. God does have a sense of humor as George Burns portrayed on the silver screen.

Seriously, though, God is back again ready to pander to the whims of the various presidential candidates; quite a long list this year. Naturally, to shorten this post, I ought just skip over to God's Party because, of course, this is where God operates and interacts.

How about that born-again fundamentalist Baptist preacher, Mike Huckabee! Surely God's providence has blessed this man to lead our nation in a righteous path. I'll bet that God had a hand in writing his newest TV commercial featuring tough-guy Chuck Norris. After all, God loves to smite the enemies of the righteous. Nothing as uplifting as Chuck Norris busting the jaw of a migrant Mexican to get that peasant on the right path.

Dare I mention the wonder-worker from Utah? Like the platypus, seems like God was in one of those silly moods as he guided Joseph Smith to the golden treasure in western New York state. That prophet whose name sounds like Italian pasta was hilarious in his cameo appearance. What a hoot. God surely is pleased, though, that the y-chromosome was so strong in this family, as God always prefers males heirs to women.

Rudy is the real star comic in this mini-series. God overlooked the three marriages because women, by nature, are often fickle and surely pretentious. Rudy should have called God for advice on that first woman and surely for the second. He has found God and NASCAR all in one fell swoop, which begs the question: which NASCAR would God drive?

Enter Darth Thompson. Serious stuff as can be seen on his stern face. The Right-to Lifers have already chosen him model their values, God sits on their Board so there no question about their righteousness. Fred uses the name of God on his website which is surely pleasing to the Almighty: "A healthy society is predicated on belief in God; respect for all life; strong families centered on the institution of marriage—the union of a man and a woman; and self-respect and tolerance of others." That marriage- union of man and woman- also pleases God because that other union is 'an abomination' to God and we would not want to 'abominate' God. After all, each time we eat seafood that lacks fins and scales we 'abominate' God as well.

God saved John McCain in Vietnam but can God save his presidential bid? Lucky for God, McCain wants to keep the Bush Crusade going in the lands of the infidel, a move sure to woo God's favor. John knows how God smote the enemies of the Israelites and is surely pleased to smite other enemies of God.

Well, God, I'm curious who you will 'select' to be the star of the GOP in the '08 election. Each man surely tugs at your heart. Thank God [pardon the pun] that these men have opened their hearts you and to our nation to lead us in same path as God's second-born son, George W. Bush.

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